Just by looking at my title (which was taking from the song I Have a Love from West Side Story), you will know that this time I’ll talking about love and interpersonal relationships.
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Picture taken from HERE.
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What is love? Why do we fall in love? Some people say that love just happens. We cannot control why we fall in love, or love someone. But no, love don’t just happen. It is a subconscious process, that is so subtle and slow that we do not notice that is has taken place.
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In the forming and developing a relationship, the first thing we take note of is the physical appearance. Attraction first take place by attraction toward ones’ looks. I don’t need a charming guy, I just need someone who cares. Having said that, of course I would go for a guy with pleasant looks. Not to mention, having good looks would be a plus point for me. However, the saying goes “Beautiful is in the eye of the beholder”, so eventually when one is in love, their significant is always perfect.
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Regarding similarity and difference, everyone have their preference in their other half. Some wants similarities so there’s a common platform for communication, others want differences to bring them excitement to a world they did not know of. I want a balance of both. Similarity so we can somehow still communicate, and difference to move out of my mundane life.
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Differences
Picture from HERE
Similarities
Picture from HERE
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Similarites vs Difference … Which one do you prefer?
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Most of the time, people find themselves in an interpersonal relationship due to an exchange in which they can benefit. Maybe it is monetary gains, a raise in social status, companionship, intimacy or a source of support. I go for emotional needs. The superficial needs are not important to me.
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Moreover, proximity is important in the development of relationship. A relationship cannot move forward if both parties do not meet. A relationship based solely on non-face to face communication is hard to sustain. Yet this doesn’t mean that it cannot happen. There are successful long distance relationships which work out despite the difficulties faced. For me, I like someone whom I can meet often, yet not all the time. Well, they say absence make the heart grow fonder. And I feel that meeting too much may cause too much reliance on each other.
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Ultimately, self disclosure in a relationship play one of the most important role. Self disclosure allows your other half to know more about you, and sometimes things that we only share with them. This shows a commitment and trust in the relationship, and also increasing a sense of intimacy, bringing both parties closer together. As I find out new things, I find myself drawn in deeper to the relationship and also feel more willing to my personal informations and emotions.
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I bet you never really took note of these aspects of a relationship. Because they are so obvious that we tend to over look it and believe that when we fall in love, we just do. (When actually, so much is actually taking place, without us even noticing it at all)
♥ junying
I agree there is no basis or reasons for falling in love with someone. I have always believed that love comes naturally, there is no reason why i’m in love with anyone. Having said that, i am sure many of us only do think about various aspects of a relationship when we find ourselevs focusing more on differences rather than similarities. Relational dissolutions forces us to look at the harsh reality fo relationships.
However, i beg to differ that self-disclosure is the most important. I personally feel that self-disclosure is only a pre determining step to soughting out differences and similarities, sourcing out whether the relationship has a higher possibility to work out or fail. The most important thing is similarity and difference to me. This is because if one can’t complement the other, it doesn’t matter how much self-disclosure takes place.
Doesn’t the process of finding out the differences and similarities of a person include self-disclosure? Through self-disclosure, then are we able to know how similar or different the other person is to us. If one keeps to himself / herself, we will never know if we are similar or different.
Self disclosure also allow us to know more about each other, and hence will be able to learn how to complement each other better – learn how to compromise to each other’s likes and dislikes. Don’t you think so?
It’s true. Whenever we fall in love, we rarely take note of such things. I guess it’s because most of us just has this “I love you and you love me” thinking in their heads all the time in relationships. Yeah, I think that self disclosure is actually one of the most important things because it allows both parties to know each other better. It helps bring the relationship another step higher. That’s also how trust between both parties are further strengthened. And,trust is vital in all relationships.
I agree with you on the proximity one! I abhor meeting a person I like every single day, like 24/7, maybe because I’m more of a independent person who needs a lot of personal space, haha. For me, if you leave me alone more, I’ll be happier and my relationship might grow better! So yup, absence makes the heart grow fonder really applies to me
I believe differences in couples are cool cause like they say, you complete the puzzle in me. It helps the couple be more exposed to different perspectives. But being more similar in a relationship has its pros as well. If a couple is very similar, they’ll be able to decide on what to do more effectively, enjoy the same hobbies and not fight over what music to listen to in the car. I believe this is an individual’s own preference
For me, I don’t want to think so much about it and just wait to see which guy comes along that is perfect for me 
Interesting posts, although it contradicts my idea of love in a different way. I believe that the 7 theories surrounding relational formations are actually only a few out of the thousands of reasons why people fall in love. There is no right or wrong, they are just theories waiting to be explained and discovered. Humans will continue to fall in love without knowing ALL the reasons, so I’d rather take it that we just ‘fall in love’ because it happens.
There is no need to verbalize something wonderful such as love, isn’t it? =D After all, the hearts knows what the mouths doesn’t.
Hihi!
My preference of physical attraction is definitely different from yours. Haha! But whenever my friends fell in love, there tend to be a trend of opposite attraction. I guess this is because opposites complement each other i.e. “Good” student goes for “Bad” students. As for the self disclosure part, sometimes it does not really matter. It all depends on which stage of relationship one is in and the type of people (in terms of characteristics) involved. For example, people of “little words” may just enjoy the each other’s company without using much of verbal communications. How about “love at first sight”? I’m sure disclosure does not really play any part in this occurance!
Hi,
So do you mean looks are very important to you? Hah!
For self disclosure, I believe it is important to sustain a relationship. Even people of little words get to know more about each other through their non verbal communications which I do consider as too, self disclosure. Without much of getting to know one another, there is this lack of connection (I believe) and hence a relationship would not be able to last that long.
To me, “love at first sight” is just a catchphrase but actually does not really imply LOVE in any sense. It is more like an attraction, an infatuation, lust. Something that is purely physical. In order to proceed to the stages of LOVE, one needs to get to know more about the other person. (Which in other words, self disclosure)
I agree with your views about your ideal relationship. I would also prefer to look for a partner who is similar to me, as this would probably benefit more in the interpersonal relationship, as we would be have to have things to do together and have similar conversational topics to talk about.
Yet at the same time, he should be someone different to complete me. For example, if a person who is shy and afraid of taking risks might be attracted to someone who is outgoing and loud. This would benefit both parties in some way or another (exchange theory). And like the popular saying that “opposite attracts”.
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Hey! I think it is because everything come so naturally that’s why we don’t notice it. We won’t go according to the aspects step by step to get involve in a relationship right? It sound so mundane.
As for similarities vs differences, i would vote for some of each? maybe 60% for differences and 40% for similarities. So it all balance up and complements me too. =)
I agree first impression really counts so it is the physical attraction that makes up an image of a person you first saw. However,once you got to know the person better,personality plays a bigger role. Though we always say ” Do not judge a book by its cover.”,the first thing you notice will be the cover rather than the content right? You have to first pick up the book in order to read the content.
Hey!
In a relationship I definitely prefer my other to be more different than similar. While I agree that some amount of similarity is needed to be able to communicate or even get along, I would like someone who can open my eyes to new things.
Yes I agree that proximity plays an important role in any relationship too, especially in the formation stage! Potential couples have to actually meet before they can progress in the first place. As for the maintainance stage, to be in close proximity would be beneficial as the close interaction might strenthen the relationship. But personal spaces still have to be defined as being too clingy to one’s partner is not healthy. I will honestly find it annoying. All that being said, even if a couple is not physically in near proximity to each other, that does not guarentee relationship failure. I do know of two friends – one is in Australia while the other is in Singapore – who have been together for years now and are still going strong. Of course they try to keep in contact via long distance phone calls, which would probably explain why their phone bills are so high.
I know what you mean when you mention DIFFERENCES! Or rather WHO you mean.
Regarding the part where you mention personal spaces need to be defined because of being clingy thing, I have a personal experience. My ex was overly clingy and had to meet me and send me home after school everyday. Eventually I couldn’t stand this lack of personal space and we ended our relationship there.
However, ironically, my current boyfriend is the opposite and there is too much personal space and too much time spend apart that we rarely even spend any time together. I’m still holding on to this relationship though. Thinking that it’s still too soon to judge our stance in this relationship.
Hey! I think in the area of considering similarities or differences before embarking on a relationship, we inevitably bring both into play. For example, you may abhor certain similar characteristics, but you may like certain differences. It depends on whether those similarities and differences are important (from your point of view) in building up the relationship and providing greater opportunities for interaction.
hi!
Personally, i think that i would prefer to have more similarites than differences in a relationship. While it is technically possible to complement the differences, I think that dissimilarities give rise to conflict rather easily. In reality, it is very difficult to engage in a interpersonal relationship with someone whose mindset is very different from yours. On the other hand, having more similarities will allow both parties to have a common topic and provides chances for further understanding. Thus, I think that having more similarities can bring about a more successful relationship.
this is interesting
anyway what i feel the models are pretty crappy. sometimes you dont get attracted by physical appearance. many handsome guys are together with the uglier ladies (no offence). for similarity and difference, sometimes what people look out for is something different. their theory is that when 2 different people meet they cancel each other out. for proximity like what many said long distance relationships. that being said, first impressions matters. and if you know your opposite has similar hobbies, you click. and finally if you spend time together with him or her, naturally you would fall for her. i am contradicting here
for me personally, i feel appearance plays a part in selection. i mean people like to see beautiful stuff isnt it? however when proximity plays a part it is something you cant stop. the more time you spend with someone, naturally you would have feelings for someone. and i don mean anybody here
anyway what you said is true. you cant stop love when it comes about.
Hi! Personally I think proximity may be important in forming a relationship, but proximity alone may not lead to a relationship. I may spend a lot of time with a girl, but it doesn’t mean that she will automatically fall in love with me. Likewise I may not fall in love with her just because she is spending a lot of time with me. Similarly it doesn’t mean that 2 people who rarely spend time together do not love each other. Clear examples would be successful long distant relationships. But yes, when love comes around, there is no stopping it, and there is no right or wrong.
Hi dear!
In a relationship, I would like to opt for both similarities and differences. Similarities so that we have a common interest or topic to converse with. Differences so that my other half can complete me and fill in the parts which I feel that I am not apt in. Also I need a need to constantly keep in touch with my other half so that we can constantly move forward. However sometimes I feel there if the relationship is too long, there might be a over reliance and also a sense of just merely being used to each other’s company.
Seems everyone has a lot to complain about love and companionship. I think that, instead of focusing on the bad stuff of a relationship, one should look at the good aspects of the ‘old and boring’. A constant source of support, intimacy and fulfilment are important. Sadly, most people only notice these when it’s all over. However, I do know of some idiotic people who chose to hang on to the ‘good’ of a ‘throughly screwed’ relationship, exhibiting his or her inability to discern what is more beneficial to himself or herself, as well as people around them. They get stuck in abusive, draining relationships which are full of quarrels and fights.
Hello JUN! I love the title of your blogpost! LOVELY!
Relationships sprout from absolutely nothing. I’m not too sure how it came about too. It’s something so hateful yet so lovely.
As for me, I feel that I wouldn’t want a relationship which is a balance of both similarities and differences. I prefer a relationship with someone whom share almost all similarities with me. Looking at my own personality and character, I think I would end up arguing and quarelling with someone who is rather different from me, hence the decision of not wanting someone who is very much different from me. He will have to share my interests and beliefs, yet not be as headstrong as me. Hard to find someone like that right?
I completely agree with you that proximity and self diclosure is very important in a relationship. Without both, how can it then be a relationship? Especially that with self-disclosure. Through self-disclosure, we can understand the other party better and eventually decide before the bonding stage where both parties officially marry, whether that relationship is really the right one and if not, then they can disengage.
=)Kai Ting